in which my reproductive system and I have a little TALK

Dear Uterus,

I'd like to take a moment of your time to have a few words with you.

What's that? You're busy? You have all this stabbing pain to inflict, and can't spare the time?

TAKE TIME. SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND LISTEN.

Oh, and while we're at it ... you. Yes, you, Ovaries. You can stop hiding behind those other organs and join Uterus for a moment. For that matter, all of you - the whole reproductive system. Get over here.

RIGHT.

Now, look. I don't think I treat you all that badly. I haven't played macrame with you, Fallopian Tubes. I'm not dosing myself up with hormones to make you dance to my tune, Menstrual Cycle. I'm not interfering with your natural functions at all. You can go about your business. That's fair, yes?

Okay.

So ... why? Why, oh why, oh why, do you all seem to take such delight in torturing me? I mean, really - do you get a kick out of inflicting muscle-tearing spasms, flooding at the most inconvenient and embarrassing of times, and generally behaving like a room full of three year old psychopaths jazzed up on red cordial?

It's not even like you can get it together enough to be even a little bit orderly about it, either. One month you're on strike, Uterus - and the next you're working around the clock. And don't you snigger, Ovaries. You're even worse.

Now, look. It's not that I'm ungrateful. You do the whole hormone thing, and there are benefits to that. Yes, Breasts, I'm looking at you. You're great at cleavage, and grabbing admiring glances - but what's with the immediate cramps when you get touched? Honestly, anyone would think you're just pissy at getting a bit of attention.

What's that, Uterus? What was that you just muttered to the others?

I got pregnant? I grew babies in you? I made you stretch and grow a placenta and play host to squirming kicking entities?

News flash. THAT'S YOUR JOB. You've got responsibilities here, so quit whining when you have to step up and do something.

And just by the way, it's not like it was my idea to pack five babies into two pregnancies, oh no. That was all you lot. So drop the blame game, okay?

It's no good getting that sulky look on your face Fallopian Tubes. Yes, I know you don't control the ovulation, but let's face it, you helped, didn't you? Admit it - you were the go-between.

Okay, okay. I know we're all getting on a bit, and it's been a pretty rough road at times. But c'mon ... is this really the time to turn on each other? Really, let's just work together and get through this period, and then you can have a long rest. What's that? No, I promise, no HRT. I'll respect the retirement age. Deal?

Wait, don't answer right away. Have a good, long think and get back to me later today. This is a big decision, and I want to give you time to talk amongst yourselves.

Thanks for listening, everyone. I feel that we've established a good rapport here. We'll talk later.


... Oh, and everyone? Make the right decision. I'd hate to have to take drastic action.