![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Twilight parody - 'cos everyone's doing it
So, I figured that if I was going to mock the horrendously succesful Twilight series, I'd better do it with full knowledge. I'd read scraps here and there, but finally decided to bite the bullet and read the thing.
So I did. That's several hours of my life I'll never get back. Not only is the story full of more holes than your average colander - the writing is just terrible!
There was really only one thing to do to make it all worthwhile. Write a parody.
Any phrases you see in quotes are actual lines from the story. I shit you not. I couldn't make up stuff that bad.
So, without further ado ...
Twilight - via the mind of crazyjane
Twilight Roll Call!
BELLA: Hi, I'm Bella. I'm 17 but I talk like a 40 year old. When my Mom remarried I decided to voluntarily exile myself to this podunk little town with my Dad so they could be together cos I'm just that awesome. I'm clumsy and bookish and jump to conclusions easily.
EDWARD: I'm Edward. I'm mysterious. Don't make me glare at you. Also, I sparkle.
JACOB: Hi, I'm Jacob, also known as Exposits-With-Wolves. I'm the token hot Native American in this book. Way hotter than Edward. Also, curiously hairless. Did I mention I'm hotter than Sparkle Boy?
BOYS FROM SCHOOL: Hi. We're boys. We totally lust after Bella because she's new and fresh.
GIRLS FROM SCHOOL: Hi. We're girls. We are still friends with Bella even though all the boys are totally lusting after her and she's a total weirdo.
CULLENS: Hi, we're vampires. 'Nuff said.
The Story (such as it is)
Bella arrives at her Dad's place.
BELLA: Oh woe, here I am exiled to this horrible place, even though I did it voluntarily to give my Mom time with her new squeeze, cos I'm noble and thoughtful and not at all a typical teenaged girl. Oh woe is me, however will I cope with being around all these hicks, and stop worrying about my 'loving, erratic, harebrained mother' and - oh hey, truck! Is that for me?
BELLA's DAD: Welcome to Forks, Bella. Now get in the kitchen and cook for me.
At school
BOYS: Wow, you're totally hot and we are just bowled over by your amazing city-fied beauty. Can we carry your books and sit with you and be puppy-dogs?
BELLA: Whatever. Not interested. (falls over own feet)
GIRLS: Hey Bella, come and be friends with us. Maybe we can get your rejects. We are typical high school girls and clearly not mindless sycophant losers who are so desperate for boyfriends we'll happily be sloppy seconds at all.
CULLENS: *brood*
EDWARD: *sniffs Bella*
BELLA: Um, hello?
EDWARD: *snarl* *flounce*
BELLA: Whatever. Not interested.
EDWARD: What if I save you from this convenient car accident with my super-speed and shoulders of flexi-strength?
BELLA: You must be a superhero!
EDWARD: *facepalm*
Later
BELLA: Oh woe, I cannot get him out of my mind. He is a total loser and flounces everywhere and I think I'm in love. Even if he does wear beige. And treat me like dirt. Especially because he treats me like dirt. I'm so liberated.
BOYS: *sulk*
GIRLS: We're still over here, boys. Available. Hello?
BELLA: Oh boys, go play with the other girls.
BOYS: Sure, Bella. We can all be friends and we'll be happy with second-best.
GIRLS: Thanks, Bella, you are totally a BFF and not a snobby cow who palms off her rejects onto us.
BELLA: (trips over invisible log)
At the beach
JACOB: Hi, I'm the interesting but kinda sappy kid from the reservation. I don't know you but I feel somehow compelled to tell you strange legends from Our People. I guess that's why they call me Exposits-With-Wolves.
BELLA: Whatever.
JACOB: So anyway, our people are descended from wolves, that is to say, WEREwolves, did I mention WEREWOLVES? And the Cullens are vampires. Which is why they can't come to our beach. Trust me.
BELLA: OMG I've just met you but you are SO RIGHT. I must run away and angst now. But carefully in case I fall over. Again.
JACOB: Hello? Bare chest and long hair? And did I mention WEREWOLF?
BELLA: Whatever. Not interested.
JACOB: *facepaw*
Later
BELLA: Okay, angsting over. The power of Google has convinced me that Edward is a vampire even though I've only ever seen him in daylight. Because he talks funny and is a snob with lots of different coloured contact lenses. So I'm just going to keep pining after him even though he totally treats me like dirt. Especially cos he treats me like dirt. Cos that's what I deserve, being a girl.
In some slightly less podunk town, buying clothes
BELLA: Wow, on a girlie shopping trip - 'the oestrogen rush is invigorating'. Excuse me, girls, I'm just going over to this scary part of town ALL BY MYSELF.
BAD GUYS: Y halo thar cuteypie. Kin we play witchoo??
BELLA: (runs, miraculously failing to fall over)
EDWARD: Quick, get in my Volvo of Sparkledom!
BELLA: How did you know I needed help?
EDWARD: I've been stalking you.
BELLA: That's so romantic.**
Later, in some meadow, possibly in Iowa, but definitely not in foggy northern Washington State
EDWARD: Bella, I cannot get over your smell. You smell like lavender ... or freesias ... or some other flower entirely.
BELLA: ...
EDWARD: And your amazing powers of deduction. You figured out that I'm a vampire. But now you must run away for I am evil and will EAT YOU and sparkle.
BELLA: (gazing into Edward's eyes) I loooooooove you.
EDWARD: Did I mention VAMPIRE?
BELLA: (sigh)
EDWARD: Oh whatever. Come and meet my vampire family.
At the spooky Cullen house on the hill
EDWARD: Vampire Mom, Vampire Dad, this is my human, Bella. And these are my vampire siblings.
CULLENS: Helloooo, breakfast.
EDWARD: STOP that. So, Vampire Mom, I wanna get married.
CULLENS: Whatever.
EVIL VAMPIRE TRACKER: Har har, I appear from nowhere to menace you! I love your smell! I wanna EAT YOU!
EDWARD: Quick! We outnumber him five to one, so the only thing to do is overreact completely! You must leave immediately so we can try to inject some tension into this godawful book. I'm sending you to Phoenix where you'll be totally safe. And we must be apart from each other so that I can go and be heroic while you languish in a motel room.
BELLA: But I wanna go with yooooooooouuu ...
EDWARD: Our love will span the miles. Besides, I won't be tempted to eat you.
In a motel in Phoenix
BELLA: So, Vampire Sibling, how does one, um, become a vampire?
CULLEN SIBLING: I see what you're doing there.
BELLA: It's called foreshadowing, hello?
EVIL VAMPIRE TRACKER ON PHONE: Har har, I have your Mom. Come alone to the ballet studio so I can eat you.
BELLA: Nooo, I will do everything you say and rush to my certain death! Okay. Now Vampire Sibling, don't use your eerie psychic powers to find out that I'm going to give you the slip and go to meet my certain death, okay?
CULLEN SIBLING: Fine. Whatever. (paints nails)
In a ballet studio in Phoenix++
EVIL VAMPIRE TRACKER: Har, har! Fooled you. No Mom. Now I will torture you and videotape it and post it on YouTube so Edward can see it and cry in his girlie vampire socks.
BELLA: Noooooooo you tricked me!
EVIL VAMPIRE TRACKER: (throws Bella around the studio, admiring his artistic handiwork)
BELLA: Dying now ...
EDWARD: Fear my dramatic entrance! Dammit, she's unconscious, so the reader will never know about my leet fighting skills.
CULLEN SIBLINGS: (who appear out of nowhere) Wow, she's been bitten and will now turn into a vampire. Who could have seen that coming?
BELLA: Nifty.
EDWARD: Nooooooooooo! Even though I love you and cannot bear to lose you, I cannot condemn you to the hell of being gorgeous and sparkly and living forever! I will now prove how much I love you by sucking out the vampire venom and not actually chowing down on your floral blood!
BELLA: (sulks)
In hospital
BELLA'S MOM: Oh Bella, you are so clumsy! How could you fall down the stairs like that? And who's this boy? And what are you doing in Florida? And how could I have left you alone, oh my poor baby ...
BELLA: Way to milk the scene, Mom.
BELLA'S MOM: I get four lousy pages, now shut up and let me emote. By the way, you can come home and live with me and your new Daddy.
BELLA: Um, no, I'm staying in the podunk town.
BELLA'S MOM: (eyeing Edward) This wouldn't have something to do with that weirdo who's lurking in the corner, would it?
BELLA: (gazing soulfully at Edward) Whatever makes you think that, Mom?
Much later
BELLA: So, um, not that I don't like your family, but when they start dressing me up like a doll and doing my hair and all I think we need to talk about boundaries, y'know? And incidentally, you're wearing a tuxedo and you won't tell me where we're going? Are we getting married?
EDWARD: What? No!
BELLA: I know! You're going to make me into a vampire!
EDWARD: Oh, 'you think that would be a black tie occasion'? NO. I told you that will never happen - or at least not for a few sequels, anyway.
BELLA: (sulks) So where are we going?
EDWARD: I'm taking you to the prom. Where you will dance.
BELLA: Noooooooooooooooooo, you are an evil monster after all!
EDWARD: I tried to tell you ...
(You'd think that was the end, wouldn't you? There are three sequels. But I will spare you the parodies of those. Mostly because I couldn't bear reading them in the first place.)
** (Me: Any normal girl would tell him he's one step away from a restraining order, but noooo ....)
++ (Me: Presumably because the final fight can be spectacularly visual. Pity it's barely described, apart from a few lines about how pretty the mirrors look when they're cracked by the impact of Bella's head.)
So I did. That's several hours of my life I'll never get back. Not only is the story full of more holes than your average colander - the writing is just terrible!
There was really only one thing to do to make it all worthwhile. Write a parody.
Any phrases you see in quotes are actual lines from the story. I shit you not. I couldn't make up stuff that bad.
So, without further ado ...
Twilight - via the mind of crazyjane
Twilight Roll Call!
BELLA: Hi, I'm Bella. I'm 17 but I talk like a 40 year old. When my Mom remarried I decided to voluntarily exile myself to this podunk little town with my Dad so they could be together cos I'm just that awesome. I'm clumsy and bookish and jump to conclusions easily.
EDWARD: I'm Edward. I'm mysterious. Don't make me glare at you. Also, I sparkle.
JACOB: Hi, I'm Jacob, also known as Exposits-With-Wolves. I'm the token hot Native American in this book. Way hotter than Edward. Also, curiously hairless. Did I mention I'm hotter than Sparkle Boy?
BOYS FROM SCHOOL: Hi. We're boys. We totally lust after Bella because she's new and fresh.
GIRLS FROM SCHOOL: Hi. We're girls. We are still friends with Bella even though all the boys are totally lusting after her and she's a total weirdo.
CULLENS: Hi, we're vampires. 'Nuff said.
The Story (such as it is)
Bella arrives at her Dad's place.
BELLA: Oh woe, here I am exiled to this horrible place, even though I did it voluntarily to give my Mom time with her new squeeze, cos I'm noble and thoughtful and not at all a typical teenaged girl. Oh woe is me, however will I cope with being around all these hicks, and stop worrying about my 'loving, erratic, harebrained mother' and - oh hey, truck! Is that for me?
BELLA's DAD: Welcome to Forks, Bella. Now get in the kitchen and cook for me.
At school
BOYS: Wow, you're totally hot and we are just bowled over by your amazing city-fied beauty. Can we carry your books and sit with you and be puppy-dogs?
BELLA: Whatever. Not interested. (falls over own feet)
GIRLS: Hey Bella, come and be friends with us. Maybe we can get your rejects. We are typical high school girls and clearly not mindless sycophant losers who are so desperate for boyfriends we'll happily be sloppy seconds at all.
CULLENS: *brood*
EDWARD: *sniffs Bella*
BELLA: Um, hello?
EDWARD: *snarl* *flounce*
BELLA: Whatever. Not interested.
EDWARD: What if I save you from this convenient car accident with my super-speed and shoulders of flexi-strength?
BELLA: You must be a superhero!
EDWARD: *facepalm*
Later
BELLA: Oh woe, I cannot get him out of my mind. He is a total loser and flounces everywhere and I think I'm in love. Even if he does wear beige. And treat me like dirt. Especially because he treats me like dirt. I'm so liberated.
BOYS: *sulk*
GIRLS: We're still over here, boys. Available. Hello?
BELLA: Oh boys, go play with the other girls.
BOYS: Sure, Bella. We can all be friends and we'll be happy with second-best.
GIRLS: Thanks, Bella, you are totally a BFF and not a snobby cow who palms off her rejects onto us.
BELLA: (trips over invisible log)
At the beach
JACOB: Hi, I'm the interesting but kinda sappy kid from the reservation. I don't know you but I feel somehow compelled to tell you strange legends from Our People. I guess that's why they call me Exposits-With-Wolves.
BELLA: Whatever.
JACOB: So anyway, our people are descended from wolves, that is to say, WEREwolves, did I mention WEREWOLVES? And the Cullens are vampires. Which is why they can't come to our beach. Trust me.
BELLA: OMG I've just met you but you are SO RIGHT. I must run away and angst now. But carefully in case I fall over. Again.
JACOB: Hello? Bare chest and long hair? And did I mention WEREWOLF?
BELLA: Whatever. Not interested.
JACOB: *facepaw*
Later
BELLA: Okay, angsting over. The power of Google has convinced me that Edward is a vampire even though I've only ever seen him in daylight. Because he talks funny and is a snob with lots of different coloured contact lenses. So I'm just going to keep pining after him even though he totally treats me like dirt. Especially cos he treats me like dirt. Cos that's what I deserve, being a girl.
In some slightly less podunk town, buying clothes
BELLA: Wow, on a girlie shopping trip - 'the oestrogen rush is invigorating'. Excuse me, girls, I'm just going over to this scary part of town ALL BY MYSELF.
BAD GUYS: Y halo thar cuteypie. Kin we play witchoo??
BELLA: (runs, miraculously failing to fall over)
EDWARD: Quick, get in my Volvo of Sparkledom!
BELLA: How did you know I needed help?
EDWARD: I've been stalking you.
BELLA: That's so romantic.**
Later, in some meadow, possibly in Iowa, but definitely not in foggy northern Washington State
EDWARD: Bella, I cannot get over your smell. You smell like lavender ... or freesias ... or some other flower entirely.
BELLA: ...
EDWARD: And your amazing powers of deduction. You figured out that I'm a vampire. But now you must run away for I am evil and will EAT YOU and sparkle.
BELLA: (gazing into Edward's eyes) I loooooooove you.
EDWARD: Did I mention VAMPIRE?
BELLA: (sigh)
EDWARD: Oh whatever. Come and meet my vampire family.
At the spooky Cullen house on the hill
EDWARD: Vampire Mom, Vampire Dad, this is my human, Bella. And these are my vampire siblings.
CULLENS: Helloooo, breakfast.
EDWARD: STOP that. So, Vampire Mom, I wanna get married.
CULLENS: Whatever.
EVIL VAMPIRE TRACKER: Har har, I appear from nowhere to menace you! I love your smell! I wanna EAT YOU!
EDWARD: Quick! We outnumber him five to one, so the only thing to do is overreact completely! You must leave immediately so we can try to inject some tension into this godawful book. I'm sending you to Phoenix where you'll be totally safe. And we must be apart from each other so that I can go and be heroic while you languish in a motel room.
BELLA: But I wanna go with yooooooooouuu ...
EDWARD: Our love will span the miles. Besides, I won't be tempted to eat you.
In a motel in Phoenix
BELLA: So, Vampire Sibling, how does one, um, become a vampire?
CULLEN SIBLING: I see what you're doing there.
BELLA: It's called foreshadowing, hello?
EVIL VAMPIRE TRACKER ON PHONE: Har har, I have your Mom. Come alone to the ballet studio so I can eat you.
BELLA: Nooo, I will do everything you say and rush to my certain death! Okay. Now Vampire Sibling, don't use your eerie psychic powers to find out that I'm going to give you the slip and go to meet my certain death, okay?
CULLEN SIBLING: Fine. Whatever. (paints nails)
In a ballet studio in Phoenix++
EVIL VAMPIRE TRACKER: Har, har! Fooled you. No Mom. Now I will torture you and videotape it and post it on YouTube so Edward can see it and cry in his girlie vampire socks.
BELLA: Noooooooo you tricked me!
EVIL VAMPIRE TRACKER: (throws Bella around the studio, admiring his artistic handiwork)
BELLA: Dying now ...
EDWARD: Fear my dramatic entrance! Dammit, she's unconscious, so the reader will never know about my leet fighting skills.
CULLEN SIBLINGS: (who appear out of nowhere) Wow, she's been bitten and will now turn into a vampire. Who could have seen that coming?
BELLA: Nifty.
EDWARD: Nooooooooooo! Even though I love you and cannot bear to lose you, I cannot condemn you to the hell of being gorgeous and sparkly and living forever! I will now prove how much I love you by sucking out the vampire venom and not actually chowing down on your floral blood!
BELLA: (sulks)
In hospital
BELLA'S MOM: Oh Bella, you are so clumsy! How could you fall down the stairs like that? And who's this boy? And what are you doing in Florida? And how could I have left you alone, oh my poor baby ...
BELLA: Way to milk the scene, Mom.
BELLA'S MOM: I get four lousy pages, now shut up and let me emote. By the way, you can come home and live with me and your new Daddy.
BELLA: Um, no, I'm staying in the podunk town.
BELLA'S MOM: (eyeing Edward) This wouldn't have something to do with that weirdo who's lurking in the corner, would it?
BELLA: (gazing soulfully at Edward) Whatever makes you think that, Mom?
Much later
BELLA: So, um, not that I don't like your family, but when they start dressing me up like a doll and doing my hair and all I think we need to talk about boundaries, y'know? And incidentally, you're wearing a tuxedo and you won't tell me where we're going? Are we getting married?
EDWARD: What? No!
BELLA: I know! You're going to make me into a vampire!
EDWARD: Oh, 'you think that would be a black tie occasion'? NO. I told you that will never happen - or at least not for a few sequels, anyway.
BELLA: (sulks) So where are we going?
EDWARD: I'm taking you to the prom. Where you will dance.
BELLA: Noooooooooooooooooo, you are an evil monster after all!
EDWARD: I tried to tell you ...
(You'd think that was the end, wouldn't you? There are three sequels. But I will spare you the parodies of those. Mostly because I couldn't bear reading them in the first place.)
** (Me: Any normal girl would tell him he's one step away from a restraining order, but noooo ....)
++ (Me: Presumably because the final fight can be spectacularly visual. Pity it's barely described, apart from a few lines about how pretty the mirrors look when they're cracked by the impact of Bella's head.)